Do-It-Yourself God
by Denise Felt 1991 (revised 2009)
If I could make my own God, he’d be very different from most people’s idea of God. My God would have a great sense of humor. He’d have permanent laughlines in his face and get a kick out of watching tortoises, or giraffes, or dolphins. My God wouldn’t think those over-rated ants were so great just because they worked themselves to death. He’d be laid back and make animals like sloths, who do nothing all day but hang around in trees and look ridiculous. The God I made would like slapstick comedy, too. He’d hang out in nightclubs to hear the latest comedians. And children giggling would send him into guffaws.
If I really could make my own God, I’d make one who wouldn’t hate rock-n-roll. In fact, he’d love all kinds of music, because he’d be the one who created it all – even heavy metal. Especially heavy metal. My God would be a headbanger with the best of them. He wouldn’t be too embarrassed to waltz or polka, and his rapping would be ripping! Even his t-shirts would say "Long live rock-n-roll!"
I’d have my God like midnight talks in a hot tub more than pilgrimages to far-off mountains. In fact, my God would like wildflowers in a meadow more than hothouse roses or anemic lilies. My God would go for reality. He’d think that black-eyed-susans were the cutest flower that he ever made. He’d think honesty was great, but brutal honesty was vicious. My God wouldn’t fall for a con, but he’d never hesitate to help someone in trouble. He’d see people the way they really were, and like them anyway. My God would be such a neat guy that everybody would want him for their God, too.
Too bad. I’m making him just for me.